THIS ALIEN RACE
BARRY VAN-ASTENThis paper has been suggested by the N.E.C. [New Earth Committee] for research purposes only and has been presented for fellow earthophiles and scholars of humanity, written in the language of our subject.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with our colonisation research, the Earth Colony [planet No: 2837457389393] is located in the Laniakea Superclusters, more specifically, the Virgo Supercluster; Local Galactic Group, the Milky Way Galaxy of the Interstellar neighbourhood, within the Solar System of planets, one of many colonies in our Terrestrial and Cultural Development Studies. The Earth was designated an experimental colony 6.1 million EY [Earth Years] ago when life was gradually introduced to the planet following corrections in the atmosphere to support that life. The primordial life-forms, bred in our own laboratories and distributed throughout certain continents on the planet had the capacity for intellectual development. Following a long fallow period of interminably slow development it was thought necessary to intercept the growing life-form and ‘encourage’ it towards new progressive behaviour, which occurred 200,000 EY ago and over the last 6000 EY real developmental progress has been witnessed by our scientific observers fruiting great results! (1)
Earth colony 2837457389393 being such a magnitude of distance away and one of the furthest colonies from our own planet of Dodrondos 9 in the Perseus-Pegasus Filament connected to the Pisces-Cetus Supercluster, it was thought necessary to have permanent observers stationed on the planet at all times to record the historic progress of its development. Data for the history of this small yet subsequent planet proves fascinating reading and scholars and scientists are working alongside each other to reveal the findings of their experiments which will be catalogued (2). Several times Dodronites have had to intervene in the planet’s course of development, particularly after the primitive life-forms developed the capability for their own destruction through savage conflict and following their rudimentary entry into space and space travel (3).
At the end of 2015 EY it was decided to shut down Earth colony 2837457389393 after it became known that the colony had become contaminated; Governments upon the planet had become aware of our existence and numerous sightings had occurred and an interception of one of our crafts took place in the country called the United States of America (4). A specific ‘agent’ was introduced into the planet’s water supply which slowly acted upon the immune system of the life-forms causing a reversal in the effectiveness of their primitive anti-biotics [Stage 1]
In 2016 EY we recalled many of our ‘celebrity’ observer agents back to Dodrondos 9: VUTY892943939 Bowie; HFHJ1937399 Wogan; DGJH29776383838 Corbett; FHTY2284464628 Wood and RDHN2763893747472 Prince along with 800 of our covert agents. It was during the British European Referendum which took place on Thursday 23rd June 2016 EY, a referendum that they termed ‘Brexit’ in which their nation had to decide whether to remain in the European Union or not (5)
Those in favour of remaining in the EU namely the British Prime Minister David Cameron (Conservative), a man not long off the teat of Nanny State who wet-nursed him through his political infancy and parliamentary adolescence, showed none of the old resilience of the hated Lady of Iron (an earth substance) Margaret ‘the milk snatcher’ Thatcher, while in the United States of America (a country not associated with Europe) a vile thug named Tramp was on the rise! (6)
Cameron and his infamous cohort Chancellor George Osborne, a man short of humour displaying more than his fair share of doom-mongering; a man always ready to fly in the face of public bunions, rattling the tea cups of polite society and instilling fear throughout the duck ponds of England, faced an uphill struggle converting the lower classes of Britain to vote stay!
In opposition were those who wished to leave the EU such as the London Mayor Boorish Johnson, the leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party Nigel Farage and the Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn (7).
Following the results of ‘Brexit’ (8) and much toing and froing in bureaucratic circles on our own planet, it was decided that a certain strain of deadly influenza virus was to be introduced and distributed among the earth’s major cities infecting the population. Within 21 weeks of administering the virus which resulted in numerous deaths an operation in accordance with our planetary committee was set in motion and thus began the five year (EY) countdown to complete extermination of the species [Stage 2]
Given at the home of the New Earth Committee
Company of Corporate Planets Association,
Dodrondos 9, Perseus-Pegasus
By order of the Institution for Galactic Development Scheme
1. For a comprehensive list of Earth’s inhabitants from 1000 BC EY to 2017 EY, see file no: XLY9358588229 in the Planetary Archives.
2. Conclusions for the experiment known as the ‘Humanity Project’ shall be drawn up and published at a further date
3. For research data concerning World War I see file no: KDT823459376478; for World War II see file no: GDY82376478472329; for information concerning the Jesus Christ, gentile, weak and wild see file no: TYH28238776489 and for Edward the Conk, file no: HSD283474749990.
4. See file no: PGH3945785393 for a detailed account of this incident.
5. For data on the Treaty of Rome 1958 EY see file no: HDGT892783758 and for the Treaty of Maastricht 1993 EY see file no: JGFD38655627272.
6. It was suggested by the Planetary Committee that this ‘Tramp’ should be taken care of in the same way that we had to intervene on 22nd November 1963 EY when the 35th President of the United States of America, John Fitzgerald Kennedy was eliminated. Tramp was allowed to remain purely out of curiosity.
7. For files on these tiresome and inept statesmen see Appendix IV of the Political Calendar for 2016 EY in the Fundamental Research Programme’s Archive, under case no: C824656588978222 (2)
8. Britain led the way in its proposal to leave the European Union and following the results a mass exodus ensued in Europe with the breaking up of borders and militant faction set in process. Following the downfall of Greece and ‘Grexit’ the Polish representative Faclyka Narse called for a Polish Referendum (Poexit) and thus the member states swiftly fell: Swexit, Frexit, Austexit, Spexit, Hunexit, Slovexit, Malexit, Itexit, Latexit, Finexit, Irexit, Estexit, Bulgexit, Cypexit, Nethexit, Luxexit, Romexit, Portexit, Slovexit, Litexit, Croexit, Belexit, Denexit, Chech Repexit and Germexit.
At the Company of Corporate Planets Association I announced that the human-race had been eradicated due to contamination and the colony known as Earth, planet no: 2837457389393 had been closed-down forthwith and there was no longer any intelligent life-forms left upon the planet, to which my under-secretary informed me that by some miracle (or mistake) there were two life-forms still in existence: two male members of the English House of Lords. I referred my secretary and the Committee to my previous statement and reiterated that there were no further intelligent life-forms left upon the planet, adding that the ‘two Lords’ were unlikely to reproduce and repopulate the species but coming from their privileged public schooled background it was a foregone conclusion that they would certainly try and so they were left to the endeavours of their impossible task!